Guidance

I'm fascinated by flowery channeled information.  I read one yesterday that felt to me like adverb-laden food writing.  Sweet, nurturing, re-assuring guidance is so *not* what I get.

Here's an example, I read one person's writing yesterday that was something like, "The love you seek shall make itself know to thee" and continued for thousands of words.  While I think that's great I used to wonder if what I got was real since the words that would appear on the paper were nothing like that.  Mine are short, to the point and much more blunt.

I meditate twice a day, sometimes 3 times.  The information that comes is almost never during mediation but a time when I feel that I must sit down to write.

Today's guidance?  During mediation.  The first one, in response to a specific questions I asked last night, "Hey McFly!  You're not listening.  Hippies.  Look to the hippies."  I laughed until I cried.  The second,  "Stay out of your f*&king head."

Reverb- Community

The prompt for December 7:

Community. Where have you discovered community, online or otherwise, in 2010? What community would you like to join, create or more deeply connect with in 2011? (Author: Cali Harris)

My cute little mountain town has all the positive aspects of a small town and occasionally I run into what was so hard about being in a small town in high school.

I'll stick with the positive side.   A small, cute downtown with fundraisers, gallery openings, and businesses committed to surviving in the mountains.  A feel walking down main street in the summer that we all choose to be here.  Sitting on the patio at CJ's next to the creek drinking Stella and singing along to a cover band. 

My parents moved us kids to a small town while I was in high school and other than being near elder family members there was nothing cute about it.  An hour from the mall, corn field parties, and the nearest Perkins was 45 minutes away.  Now I get it.  I'm 60 minutes from the airport, 40 minutes to the nearest Target and Nordstrom is over an hour.  Still I'm not sure I would thrive in a suburb or a city.  I wasn't expecting to feel so comfortable here, feeling at home in this village started slowly, like love or rust on a car.  All of a sudden I noticed, I was home. 

Reverb- Make

I'm participating in the reverb project, daily prompts to reflect on and complete the year.  A little confronting completing the year, I'm behind.  The next prompt:

December 6 – Make. What was the last thing you made? What materials did you use? Is there something you want to make, but you need to clear some time for it? (Author: Gretchen Rubin)

I don't consider myself crafty- once I tried to learn how to knit for the meditative benefits.  I'd get so frustrated, the meditative benefits never happened.  I make vision boards but with a little twist.  They're not exactly what I want but pictures and words that make me smile.  I keep them to myself, when I have shared them I hear things like, "You want a boat?  There's no water in Colorado" and don't feel like explaining myself.  I have hundreds of pictures waiting to be glued to poster board.  Now that I have a table I'm looking forward to my time off indulging in creating.

My creative expression, the one where I disappear is cooking and baking.  I've been a little shy of turning my recipes into gluten free recipes, and while I was recovering could not fathom making food.  I ate many spoonfuls of peanut butter standing in front of an open fridge.  The last week I started planning meals, gazing and fantasizing over cookbooks,  imaging who would be with me what we would talk about and how they would love the food.  I make mental notes when with friends of their favorite meals and wishes.  As soon as I get a doctor's note to return on the slimgenics diet my choices will shrink.  In the meantime I'm planning on bacon wrapped shrimp, pulled pork simmered all day, cafe latte's Turtle cake for a birthday and gluten free pancakes and bacon.  Maybe even experiment with bacon chocolate muffins-gf of course.

Letting go

Reverb #5

Let Go. What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why?

I got stuck on the subject of letting go, mostly becasue the day this prompt came out I was in the middle, or maybe beginning stages of letting go of a dream.  I couldn't do it, write about it and be past it. I'm still not, holding onto some hope about this friendship.  With everything staring at me, more clear than it had ever been before, I still couldn't release.

Intellectually I tried all my tricks, pointing out what didn't work, what was frustrating and still hoping.  Finally I just breathed into the pain.  Any ending whether relationship, job, house, illness brings grief.  I had somehow tied together the letting go of a tumor to this friend, the dream attached to them, and the grief that I had not yet experienced.  I'm not through it.  The more I breathe, the more I feel.  The more I feel the more I see what I wasn't willing to over the last year. Knowing that this is right and I did this, I just keep breathing.  It helps to have a full work schedule too, and my off time is full of friends with whom I do feel a reciprocal energy exchange. 

What else did I let go of?  Maybe I'll just make a list, this year was a lot about letting go. 

an 8 year relationship in pursuit of a family
my indecision about a family
not wanting to eat alone, go out alone or travel alone (I'm traveling alone in Feb!)
75 lbs
large tumor through surgery
small tumor I disappeared before the surgery
a number of friends that always wanted something
an inactive, heavy fat lifestyle (I always had heavy cream and several lbs of butter in the fridge)
that anyone else is responsible for my happiness
having to know or seeing the outcome

The last year has left me a little bruised, but this, here, now.  This is good.

Wonder

Reverb #4


Wonder. How did you cultivate a sense of wonder in your life this year?

Easy-sunsets.  I am lucky to have grown up in a family that finds the time to stop and admire a sunset, or a rose with morning dew on the petals.  Being in Colorado makes daily wonder easy.

The 10th chakra is the grounding chakra, it is about a foot below us.  Those with strong 10th chakras tend to look for signs from nature as well as appreciate it.  I wonder if those of us with strong 10th chakras are attracted to Colorado or if being here makes the 10th stronger? 

Reverb #3 Alive

I'm catching up.  Reverb prompt for today:

Moment. Pick one moment during which you felt most alive this year. Describe it .

Mid October, afternoon dog walk.  About 2:30 in the afternoon, warm day in the 60's.  I started taking the afternoon walk through the neighborhood up a hill that when I first found the route I couldn't walk 1/4 mile without stopping for breath.  This day, the dogs and I ran the hill.  There is a spot, coming to the top of the hill, around a bend with a perfect view of the divide.  Coming to this spot I think of a friend of mine and when I remember to bring my phone take a picture.  We stopped, I closed my eyes and took a breath that smelled of pine, leaves and possibility.  I knew that the surgery was the right thing to do, that it all would work out and saw a little glimpse of the next year.  And then we ran the next two miles through the neighborhood, down the hill and home.

I've never been a runner, other than skiing have never been very athletic.  Something changed when I moved to the village and I started running the dogs more.  At first it was for them and their exercise.  Then it became for me.  I haven't enjoyed every run, especially when there is wildlife stimulus for my cattledog to get all worked up.  That day something became possible that was never possible before .  I can't wait to get release from my dr. and run the hill again.

Reverb #2

I'm behind, usually taking days to sit on and digest a post.  Yesterday's prompt for reverb:

Writing. What do you do each day that doesn’t contribute to your writing — and can you eliminate it?

One word today -stress.  My to-do list, 50 unread emails, 20 voicemails, unpaid medical bills, and I haven't cleaned the bathroom since before the surgery. Without my assistant doing the scheduling, I'm not sure what I would do.  Even so, I don't take the time for writing.  At the end of the day I could make the time for writing, but for the most part I walk away from the computer, make dinner, read and go to bed.