Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Reverb- Community

The prompt for December 7:

Community. Where have you discovered community, online or otherwise, in 2010? What community would you like to join, create or more deeply connect with in 2011? (Author: Cali Harris)

My cute little mountain town has all the positive aspects of a small town and occasionally I run into what was so hard about being in a small town in high school.

I'll stick with the positive side.   A small, cute downtown with fundraisers, gallery openings, and businesses committed to surviving in the mountains.  A feel walking down main street in the summer that we all choose to be here.  Sitting on the patio at CJ's next to the creek drinking Stella and singing along to a cover band. 

My parents moved us kids to a small town while I was in high school and other than being near elder family members there was nothing cute about it.  An hour from the mall, corn field parties, and the nearest Perkins was 45 minutes away.  Now I get it.  I'm 60 minutes from the airport, 40 minutes to the nearest Target and Nordstrom is over an hour.  Still I'm not sure I would thrive in a suburb or a city.  I wasn't expecting to feel so comfortable here, feeling at home in this village started slowly, like love or rust on a car.  All of a sudden I noticed, I was home. 

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Reverb- Make

I'm participating in the reverb project, daily prompts to reflect on and complete the year.  A little confronting completing the year, I'm behind.  The next prompt:

December 6 – Make. What was the last thing you made? What materials did you use? Is there something you want to make, but you need to clear some time for it? (Author: Gretchen Rubin)

I don't consider myself crafty- once I tried to learn how to knit for the meditative benefits.  I'd get so frustrated, the meditative benefits never happened.  I make vision boards but with a little twist.  They're not exactly what I want but pictures and words that make me smile.  I keep them to myself, when I have shared them I hear things like, "You want a boat?  There's no water in Colorado" and don't feel like explaining myself.  I have hundreds of pictures waiting to be glued to poster board.  Now that I have a table I'm looking forward to my time off indulging in creating.

My creative expression, the one where I disappear is cooking and baking.  I've been a little shy of turning my recipes into gluten free recipes, and while I was recovering could not fathom making food.  I ate many spoonfuls of peanut butter standing in front of an open fridge.  The last week I started planning meals, gazing and fantasizing over cookbooks,  imaging who would be with me what we would talk about and how they would love the food.  I make mental notes when with friends of their favorite meals and wishes.  As soon as I get a doctor's note to return on the slimgenics diet my choices will shrink.  In the meantime I'm planning on bacon wrapped shrimp, pulled pork simmered all day, cafe latte's Turtle cake for a birthday and gluten free pancakes and bacon.  Maybe even experiment with bacon chocolate muffins-gf of course.

Friday, December 17, 2010

Letting go

Reverb #5

Let Go. What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why?

I got stuck on the subject of letting go, mostly becasue the day this prompt came out I was in the middle, or maybe beginning stages of letting go of a dream.  I couldn't do it, write about it and be past it. I'm still not, holding onto some hope about this friendship.  With everything staring at me, more clear than it had ever been before, I still couldn't release.

Intellectually I tried all my tricks, pointing out what didn't work, what was frustrating and still hoping.  Finally I just breathed into the pain.  Any ending whether relationship, job, house, illness brings grief.  I had somehow tied together the letting go of a tumor to this friend, the dream attached to them, and the grief that I had not yet experienced.  I'm not through it.  The more I breathe, the more I feel.  The more I feel the more I see what I wasn't willing to over the last year. Knowing that this is right and I did this, I just keep breathing.  It helps to have a full work schedule too, and my off time is full of friends with whom I do feel a reciprocal energy exchange. 

What else did I let go of?  Maybe I'll just make a list, this year was a lot about letting go. 

an 8 year relationship in pursuit of a family
my indecision about a family
not wanting to eat alone, go out alone or travel alone (I'm traveling alone in Feb!)
75 lbs
large tumor through surgery
small tumor I disappeared before the surgery
a number of friends that always wanted something
an inactive, heavy fat lifestyle (I always had heavy cream and several lbs of butter in the fridge)
that anyone else is responsible for my happiness
having to know or seeing the outcome

The last year has left me a little bruised, but this, here, now.  This is good.

Saturday, December 4, 2010


Reverb #4

Wonder. How did you cultivate a sense of wonder in your life this year?

Easy-sunsets.  I am lucky to have grown up in a family that finds the time to stop and admire a sunset, or a rose with morning dew on the petals.  Being in Colorado makes daily wonder easy.

The 10th chakra is the grounding chakra, it is about a foot below us.  Those with strong 10th chakras tend to look for signs from nature as well as appreciate it.  I wonder if those of us with strong 10th chakras are attracted to Colorado or if being here makes the 10th stronger? 

Friday, December 3, 2010

Reverb #3 Alive

I'm catching up.  Reverb prompt for today:

Moment. Pick one moment during which you felt most alive this year. Describe it .

Mid October, afternoon dog walk.  About 2:30 in the afternoon, warm day in the 60's.  I started taking the afternoon walk through the neighborhood up a hill that when I first found the route I couldn't walk 1/4 mile without stopping for breath.  This day, the dogs and I ran the hill.  There is a spot, coming to the top of the hill, around a bend with a perfect view of the divide.  Coming to this spot I think of a friend of mine and when I remember to bring my phone take a picture.  We stopped, I closed my eyes and took a breath that smelled of pine, leaves and possibility.  I knew that the surgery was the right thing to do, that it all would work out and saw a little glimpse of the next year.  And then we ran the next two miles through the neighborhood, down the hill and home.

I've never been a runner, other than skiing have never been very athletic.  Something changed when I moved to the village and I started running the dogs more.  At first it was for them and their exercise.  Then it became for me.  I haven't enjoyed every run, especially when there is wildlife stimulus for my cattledog to get all worked up.  That day something became possible that was never possible before .  I can't wait to get release from my dr. and run the hill again.

Reverb #2

I'm behind, usually taking days to sit on and digest a post.  Yesterday's prompt for reverb:

Writing. What do you do each day that doesn’t contribute to your writing — and can you eliminate it?

One word today -stress.  My to-do list, 50 unread emails, 20 voicemails, unpaid medical bills, and I haven't cleaned the bathroom since before the surgery. Without my assistant doing the scheduling, I'm not sure what I would do.  Even so, I don't take the time for writing.  At the end of the day I could make the time for writing, but for the most part I walk away from the computer, make dinner, read and go to bed. 


Always introspective, I found a challenge for December via Tea and Cookies who found the challenge via Gwen Bell.  December 1 prompt:

Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you?

One word for 2010, completion.  I've written about my year in previous posts; moving out of the house the Viking and I shared, leaving the relationship, having 2 successful Groupon features, re-entering the dating scene, having a highly toxic rebound pseudo relationship, leasing an office space, finding I needed and have major surgery and releasing 75 pounds.  Many of the things that happened over the last year are dreams come true.  While most of these are positive it was hard.  I spent a lot of time in meditation, a lot of time working with my guides and a lot of time doing remote viewing.

One word for 2011-Miracles.  On my birthday I decided to look for the miraculous.  Maybe just the wonder of a Colorado sunset, maybe the awe of sitting with an old friend and laughing.  I'll keep you posted.

I have dreams and intentions for 2011 but no matter what happens my intention is to open.  Open to the love, open to the pain, and open to the appreciation of all that is important to me.

Monday, October 25, 2010

Sometimes all she needs is a nap

Had a last minute cancellation today.  So many things I could have done with the time- start the calls for the 130 people on the cancellation list, buy pj's for upcoming hospital stay ("But I don't wear pj's can't I just...")  library, bank, bills, buy slippers for upcoming hospital stay, food shopping for my mother's visit, fill my percoset prescription and the list goes on. 

Instead, I took a nap.  And after those 40 minutes, feel like a new woman.

Sometimes, all she needs is a nap.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010


I just moved, and have been going through old papers, meditations, visioning.  I found a meditation I used to do when just starting my business about what kind of day I wanted to have.  Other than that my beloved and I are no longer living together, everything had come true.  How I start my day, spend my day and end my day.  Every day is magical.  This last year, my 36th year has been about completion.  Often painful, sometimes scary and almost always exhilarating.  I saw a horoscope about a week ago that said something like:
you’re 2 months before your birthday.  Time to review this year’s accomplishments and failures, joy and pain. 

Switching to numerology, this year a 9 year, all about completion.  Next year is a year of beginnings.  Thank God!

Two weeks after my birthday I moved out of the house I shared with my beloved of 8 years and our two dogs.  I wanted my own space, my own sleep schedule, enough room on the bed (with two dogs and my beloved I usually woke up teetering on the edge) and most of all my own time to think.  The week I moved out my sciatica symptoms disappeared.  My business picked up.  I slept better.  Four months later we ended our relationship for me to pursue what I most wanted; a family.

More completion.

What completions were achievements and which were failures?  Which achievements brought joy and which brought pain?  They seem all together, as if I placed everything in a pot and turned on my loved immersion blender.  I remember listening to Carolyn Myss last October, driving to Colorado Springs, weeping with sciatic pain, when you hear the whispers of change coming, make them or spirit will make them for you.  Joy and pain, grief and anticipation.

Groupon was definitely an achievement and changed my life overnight. 
Moving to the dog house and the indirect impact it had on my dogs, the dog bites (not from my dogs), trip to Vegas, again both.    Had I not taken the impulsive trip to Vegas, I would never have been walking on the sidewalk outside of the Bellagio, knowing exactly what was next- a family. 

Changing my body, releasing 50lbs of resistance and protection has been again, both.  It felt sometimes that every cell that shrank had a story to tell, some day in the past where I wasn’t listening.  The more I resisted that story, the longer it took.  I’m not done yet.  Next year, run the Red Rocks steps.

I discovered I needed and still do need major surgery.  This is something that freaks me out, but also was a major validation that I do in fact know what is going on in my body. 

I still have 6 weeks until my birthday, still 6 more weeks of completion, destruction and clearing for beginnings.  After a year of grief and exploration I end my 36th year content.  Even if nothing changes in the next year.  This, now, is really good.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Cleavage necessary to talk to the dead?

My direct tv goes in and out.  Sometimes I can't get local channels, sometimes nothing.  A few days ago my channel choices were limited and I watched an old episode of Ghost Whisperer.  Good Lord, Love must have been taped into her dress, I would have fallen out or had to stand very, very still.  One quick turn and the girls would be out in their tattooed glory.

I came in towards the end of the episode, she was talking to a deceased mother who gave her a recipe to cook and told her the family grace to say. 

Does this happen?  Can we get recipes from beyond?  You bet, happens to me all the time.  My family members over there are often making suggestions about my cooking.  Cooking is nourishing for me and whomever is eating with me. It's also a time to be with my loved ones.  Blame that Cancer moon of mine but I love to cook.  Just not in a dress I could fall out of in a monty python like thump onto the dinner table.

Monday, January 18, 2010

Sometimes my bed talks to me

Not in a psychic way- my bed doesn't tell me of natural disasters or who will win the Golden Globes.  It does, on days like today, beckon me.

"Come back to bed.  Sink into my double pillowtop, pull up the comforter, close the black out curtains and come back to bed."

Before I was in my little studio cabin I could just close the bedroom door on days like today.  Now, it sits there all day, beckoning me.

Anybody else?

Monday, January 11, 2010

Over the Moon

Moon is a dog client of mine and is missing her brother.  Before today we hadn't met in person/animal. She has gone through gates to find her brother and chewed up the inside door of a car. I've said that for the most part, animals aren't complex and don't have complex thoughts. I'm happy, I like you, I don't like you, I'm sad, I'm hungry, I want more treats, food, toys, walking, etc. Some of the critics of animal communicators (at least critics of me) want those thoughts to be complex like ours. Sammy and Moon have taught me that sometimes this is true.

She's sitting here with us after coming to doggie day care next door and breaking through a fence. She hasn't figured out the dog door in the cottage so she started by pacing in my very little cottage.

After about an hour she came over and put her head in my hands and started a steady stream of thoughts and images to me. Why did he leave me? Where's my mom? Why are we moving without him? I'm too old to make it alone again. I responded to some of the questions and she settled down at my feet.

I was hoping my dogs would play with her, they seem to know better and are taking care of her.
Even the sometimes snotty Neela is gentle with her.  Complex, simple, it doesn't matter.  Today is healing for all of us.

Friday, January 8, 2010

Writing on becoming a writer

I was completing my intentions for 2009 a few days ago, one was to write. Last year began like so many others- this year I will write. This year I did!

Shortly after publishing that post about writing I came across National Novel Writing Month. 3am on the first of November I decided to take on writing more each day than I had ever before, 50,000 words for the month. November also found my birthday, Thanksgiving and a move for me which provided more than enough excuses for not sitting down. Really, I got stuck on one scene and character, never forgave her, couldn't go back. By the end of the month I was just shy of 28,000 words and while not having finished the challenge was quite impressed with myself.

Later, after I had some time to recover from writing 1666 words a day, I had several moments of masochism- no inspiration thought I'd try it again in January. Here is January 8 and my word count is at zero. I'm less obsessed this time. I am here writing instead of opening a new document and looking at that blank page.

Those two months changed my paradigm about writing and my life. November and December took writing someday off the calendar and made it today. I added writer's blogs to my igoogle (formerly just food blogs and craigslist ads) and am savoring the sensual experience of reading a book more than I ever have before. The first sentence, the feel of the book, the smell of the book, the weight of the book. The energy of the previous readers and their fingers on each page.

Now instead of only being overwhelmed at the grocery store I look for characters. Those people around me with repetitive conversations or even monologues where I wonder if I need to be present for this person to talk, now I ask them about their lives and wonder how I can incorporate them as a character. For example, the female , tequila drinking, scripture quoting, tattooed, jealous swearing neighbor- that one I cannot help but find a whole story.

Maybe, according to Elizabeth Gilbert that we find genius or have a muse, not that we are or are not genius. Maybe the issues with so many writers is that they began to relate to themselves as being genius, not having it. Julie Powell writes of butchering animals and cheating on her husband, maybe revealing some tidbits about very secretive, Scorpio self doesn't have to be so painful.