Friday, December 17, 2010

Letting go

Reverb #5

Let Go. What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why?

I got stuck on the subject of letting go, mostly becasue the day this prompt came out I was in the middle, or maybe beginning stages of letting go of a dream.  I couldn't do it, write about it and be past it. I'm still not, holding onto some hope about this friendship.  With everything staring at me, more clear than it had ever been before, I still couldn't release.

Intellectually I tried all my tricks, pointing out what didn't work, what was frustrating and still hoping.  Finally I just breathed into the pain.  Any ending whether relationship, job, house, illness brings grief.  I had somehow tied together the letting go of a tumor to this friend, the dream attached to them, and the grief that I had not yet experienced.  I'm not through it.  The more I breathe, the more I feel.  The more I feel the more I see what I wasn't willing to over the last year. Knowing that this is right and I did this, I just keep breathing.  It helps to have a full work schedule too, and my off time is full of friends with whom I do feel a reciprocal energy exchange. 

What else did I let go of?  Maybe I'll just make a list, this year was a lot about letting go. 

an 8 year relationship in pursuit of a family
my indecision about a family
not wanting to eat alone, go out alone or travel alone (I'm traveling alone in Feb!)
75 lbs
large tumor through surgery
small tumor I disappeared before the surgery
a number of friends that always wanted something
an inactive, heavy fat lifestyle (I always had heavy cream and several lbs of butter in the fridge)
that anyone else is responsible for my happiness
having to know or seeing the outcome

The last year has left me a little bruised, but this, here, now.  This is good.

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